Winnipeg on November 30, 1995

I tried to sleep for a while but it didn't work. Which means that I will be cranky the next couple of days unless I lock myself into the bedroom in Berlin close the curtains bind my eyes with a black cloth and let the world be the world. But I will have to start working if at all possible immediately. I hate the sound of an airplane finding it's way through heaven. although I like the way the spirit and the thoughts move while being tucked in a narrow seat and trying to get comfortable. In a way this is almost a tent dress situation where you don't have very much space to move but your thoughts can move very quickly. Hearing a pre set of classical music is not the worst either. For some reason I like to move and not being able to really move the contrast between modern flexibility, the ability to travel all over the world within hours to be a couple of hours in the air and then in a different time zone. It is 10.10 Winnipeg time. Probably all the staff is home now (not like yesterday) and I still want to write a letter today, so it is not bad that I am not able to sleep. I unfortunately won't be able to send it off at the same day I wrote it. Time differences are very strange. Your soul and is still in the old rhythm that means you think of the other timezone and you know that the people that you've met this morning are going to bed now and I won't be able to go to bed for a couple of hours. Then you feel slightly cheated because you know that the people you are going to see today have long gone to bed and most of them are already sleeping since three or four hours. You have lost time, to sleep while I am watching a rather stupid film which I gladly missed except the happy end. So much about missing time sometimes you come just right for the happy end. Right next to me there is a Radiologist who is trying to sleep and they (the flight attendant) just woke him up- so much for his lost sleep and time. Then on the other hand side there is another Radiologist who is drawing in his sketchbook and then the whole plain is filled with this type of professions because I heard there was a congress. can you imagine a whole plain full of doctors. This can be a pain! If something happens everybody knows it better. I feel pretty save here:-)... Shall I ask myself if I am healing or if I am sick. maybe I am some kind of doctor too, medical doctors have very often a vein for the arts. I always wonder why, because they do something so much more necessary. But maybe the artist heal too, the insides and insights. Maybe we can menage if we want to make someone more whole. In German we say when we repair something we make it whole : Ganz machen. As German is my mother language of course I think also that a good doctor with your own inner will and effort can make you whole. It is just the problem that most doctors just tell you what you know anyway or might guess. Calmingly sometimes their diagnose is different then yours, which can calm you. But most of the time a diagnose is just the beginning of the evil. Because after the diagnose mostly the fight against the symptoms starts and then...fighting against the symptoms doesn't make any sense. of course I was very happy this morning when the guy from Tronica brought me an "Ersatzteil" a thing to replace the other thing. I tried to speak with this not working fax modem but it wouldn't listen to me so I got a new one. This is how we treat our body too. But there are things in your body that are almost impossible to repair. therefore we have to watch that they don't break. I know that sounds naive. So let's change the subject. I am sitting here while it is stormy outside and the airplane shakes like a ship. The sign to fasten your seat-belt is lit. if this plane goes down these will be the last words that I have written and nobody will have to read them ever. Because it is rather unlikely that I will be able to save and that this computer will survive me. Speaking of which sometimes the radio is still playing while the driver in the car is long gone to another world space life...A catalogue of C.'s is on the table of this radiologist who was drawing before. He is trying to relax (how can he while having a prospect of such expensive artwork in front of his. There is an eraser in his hand he just cleaned it n the C.'s-catalogue. he shut his light off, what if he would erase the catalogue, would he find some rest. Erasing thoughts and printed matter, erasing a whole harddrive or more elegantly expressed: reinitializing. I know that's not the same. English can be so specific: erasing, deleting, clearing, cleaning. At school we used to use Tintenkiller (ink-killer). There was something strange about it. It felt cleaner than just crossing it out. So the fountain pen would be filled with thoughts and the innocent white leaf would carry your thoughts that you leave on the paper. Suddenly you realize now this blank piece, like a clean sheet, an innocent space, has become guilty. and you kill them. Word for word you can just erase. At some point I remember using this creatively to lead the reader somewhere else. I used different Tintenkillers old ones and new ones. The ones that were old were a little less effective and you would still see traces from their former existence. So I used Tintenkillerdrawings and eraser drawings to show different levels of thoughts. I was very young though and so after some time I gave it up. The older you are the more persistent you are doing something. Some people do the same profession for their whole lives. For example when you study medicine you do work as a doctor for most of your life. ...that must be pretty strange. OK it is 11:24 in Winnipeg. I will wait until 6: 00 am in Berlin (25 minutes from now) and if I couldn't sleep before then I will start my new letter for the new day. Sounds appropriate way to celebrate the change of day...Cheers