Berlin, January 14, 1996

Another blank page threatening to be threaded. I read almost the whole day, signed up for Hebrew classes this morning at the Jewish community and am designing a Glassbeadgame language and its notation.

This morning I woke up remembering a very strange dream that I found kind of entertaining but decided almost consciously to interrupt it when it got too threatening. Our dance theater group was performing our piece "Saturday night is the loneliest night in the week" in a huge sports-stadium. We were meeting at the place before and I was playing with my two little twin nieces Clara and Sophie, who were around the age of five, wearing blue and red velvet dresses. We were picking little white flowers in the stadium so the grass would be greener and better to dance on. I thought that it was kind of unnecessary, because I remembered they were preparing a wooden dance floor for us to be laid out on the grass, but it felt calming my nerves and my nieces got such a kick out of it. We put the flowers in big baskets and Clara suggested to give them to the horses. There were horses in stalls right next to the stadium and they were eating tiny little stones when we arrived. We gave them grass, flowers and carrots and took the stones in order to make chains out of it and to prevent the horses from eating them, because we were concerned it was dope or something dangerous.
Suddenly the performance was supposed start in a couple of minutes and thousands of people were streaming into the stadium, waiting to be seated. They were chatting holding glasses of Champaign and standing on the lawn that we had just picked flowers from. I was running into the old theater to get ready to make up. It seemed already very late and there was no one in the dressing room anymore. So I tried to be very fast with my facial make up and ran to the backstage area which I realized was very far away. Everybody of the audience, meanwhile seated, stared at me coming out of the old dressing room and heading towards the backstage of the big stadium stage, installed on the lawn, and they were applauding loudly. I was very proud and a little confused that people were already seeing me and realized that this must be the beginning of the piece. I jogged the whole way trying to be as elegant as possible but getting on stage seemed to be a distance of two or three miles. I was afraid to be exhausted and not able to dance anymore after running such a long distance. In between every 10 yards there was a rope from the audience-tribunes to the game-field and I had to jump over it in order to get to the platform. I was pretty depleted when I arrived I realized that the only thing I was wearing was my cape. I had forgotten my dancing shoes and was standing, my naked feet in sneakers, completely unelegant with my long black cape and nothing underneath. I told the director and he said that then some others have to enter the platform before me and that everybody was a little late to come in because none of us was aware of the real distance, but I should run back and he'll send three more on the stage to improvise until I come back. With a cheering crowd in the background I ran back and jumped over all these ropes, back to the old theater were a couple of people already followed the live broadcasting of the play. They were laughing and seemed to be amused quite a bit. I switched the light on in order to see something in the dressing room and people were wondering whether the light was some strange sign and were it came from. I told them that I just switched it on, but they stared at me screaming that I am on stage. And it was true, I saw myself in the television performing but I wasn't on stage. I said as if I wanted to excuse myself: "But I didn't have my heels". I realized that I didn't have anything: my handbag, neither my jewelry, nothing but the outer layer, my hat and cape. When I discovered that this whole stuff underneath wasn't even in the dressing room in the theater and realized that I would have to run back home in order to get everything, when I was in the middle of deciding whether I'd run back home and then back on stage and the piece was already performed without me or whether I'd go back on stage now just like I am, I decided that I shouldn't continue dreaming this nightmare anymore and I woke up.....