Berlin, December 31, 1995 Oh, it's New Year and our Premiere!

I went to sleep at around one in order to be able to finish last stitches on my costume in the morning from 8 am to 1.30 am. Then I left the flat and took care of the decoration at the theater. Everybody was in a good mood, while I was pretty tired (the best way to handle my nervousness). It was good to have a lot to do that day. Sewing, going to the theater and taking care of the decoration of the tables and room seemed just a perfect task to prepare a performance. I worked with my 25 mm long fingernails, dark red and perfect to scratch Albert at the end of our last tango where I change into a Furiae: Ochos Negros (black eyes). To my surprise I got very nervous 3 minutes before the show started. I tried to handle a needle and it was just impossible because I was trembling. I didn't have such a feeling since I performed at the new museum in new York in 1993 when 30 collectors from the Ludwig museum came by to see my piece and hear me speak. I ended up then being pretty convincing and got calmer but when I wanted to hold the needle my hand was shaking like a tumbling washing machine. I haven't been very nervous since of course sometimes a little pressure in my stomach but never again a weakness in my knees or hands. I wondered whether I should have had some beta blockers. During my graduation from high school I had a knock out and couldn't speak anymore. I sat in front of my English teacher and the committee and I just couldn't speak a word. It was like a bad dream, you have to run because there is a danger approaching you and your limbs are lame. The jury asked me to get up and at least write my name. I felt completely like an idiot and trembled my name with chalk on the board. On my way back I collapsed hyperventilating, being blue and pale. It was actually very exciting. I got picked up by the emergency doctors. They wondered whether I had any drugs or epilepsy. I simply had anemia and with the stress for some reason my body hyperventilated. I remembered this scene very well my teacher carrying me into the emergency room and at some point passing out and having to breath into a plastic bag held by a handsome young man. It was an ugly feeling, I felt I was going to die I was completely lame couldn't move anything and my blood being really loud rushing through my veins. For some reason I remembered this scene backstage before I went on stage. Everyone was so nervous back there that I caught it like a virus. when the director spit over my left shoulder he was shaking and I realized that he was more nervous than we all. Albert had arrived almost last minute at 8.30 and couldn't find his jacket. He was a wrack and what felt good is finally Albert holding my hand. He was trembling which made me calmer and I whispered: Don't worry, it fits into our roles. Remember we tremble for lust, it will look like desire. Your such a monster and I'll eat you backstage and then I was my turn...I had to come out. Once I stood there in the door, with my black silk-cashmere cape and white leather gloves my strange large hat tilted towards the ceiling and my black and gold design silk dress, my 11 cm heels, false eyelashes and overpainted lips I suddenly had metamorphosed into her, this woman who's name I still don't know and will remain secret. This woman who enjoys being seen. The rich blasé slightly bored diva, an aged extravagant ex model , or was she opera singer in her mid forties slightly disappointed of life cause she never really made it. The audience was whistling and clapping. I almost laughed but could change it into a slightly disgusted bored look of this art piece of a woman who is used to such a reaction whenever she enters a room. As I had repeated my way of appearance at least a hundred times, I remained cool and bored by the admiring glances of my audience, the other people that happened to be with me in this établissement. A light cough held back by my white leather gloves and spread fingers together with a bitter glance of disgust towards the two men expecting me provoked a big laughter in the audience. before I sat down I pulled my chair, standing too near two men who where watching with big eyes a little further away....well what shall I say the evening was a great success and people where really amused and excited. Albert and I danced well, in fact I even jumped higher than I ever did before. I look forward to perform again tomorrow.