Berlin, December 30, 1995. Oh, it is New Year soon!

I wonder whether everything can even possibly go well. Becklebeck hurt his knee and might not be able to perform how we planned it. It is frustrating to have all these acrobatic parts in the piece and to not be able to perform like we wanted to. The choreography, 8 hours of rehearsing daily seems to be almost for nothing. Shit. Why can't this boy not take care of himself a little better. He is just so irresponsible with his body. I ended up being pretty angry and depressed. I can hardly believe that it is true. Of course like this the general rehearsal today was a catastrophe. What happens if people don't like the piece? The director was drunk and depressed, when I left the theater as one of the last.

I had been up sewing my costume at night. After coming home from rehearsing after midnight I sewed until 7.30 am. I couldn't have slept anyway. Then I slept for about two hours until 11.00 am and ran to go shopping for the party decoration, artificial nails, dark red nail polish and eye lashes. It is a strange feeling to go into a premier and play with sixteen people. There are all these little dependencies and dynamics where you need to remain in your role and sometimes need to improvise because someone is missing his turn or so. This is the first piece I've done like this and there is one thing that I hate and it is to change things last minute. I wanted Albert to meet me at 5.00 to warm up. I said I'd bring painkillers. I feel fit to do most of the jumps myself and will be careful with his knee. We decided to not change the choreography. If necessary we could improvise and take the choreography as an insurance. We planned to maybe wrap his knee, so it is obvious that he is hurt and let him perform with a cane and then dance. I don't know, maybe it will work.