Berlin, December 29, 1995

My 30. Birthday. It is a strange feeling to be finally over the edge, which ever edge you might associate with this step. The question whether I should have celebrated it or not. I ended up not really celebrating it, but it started really nice. He made me a bath with bergamot and lavender oil, washed my back with rose oil soap and then rubbed it with a an new loofa while I had some champagne. Now with soft skin and feeling still really sleepy I opened up my second set of presents, and with it he made me a nice breakfast. I have to be at the theater in two hours and rehearsal. Thinking about buying a couple of bottles of champagne and celebrate with my colleagues. They must be pretty exhausted already because they are working since 10:00 am this morning. I took off for a couple of hours. It was shortly before twelve when everybody had left the theater yesterday. Becklebeck and I continued until 1:30 or so...

It was 2:01 when the director, Becklebeck and I left the theater this morning at the 29th. In the end we sat together for 15 minutes and had delicious Egyptian sandwiches after working. Now we have a new floor on the stage and dancing feels very different. It is a special rubber dance floor and you stand very well, but it is very stressful to make Pirouettes ( I dance with rubber soles that I have to change now). Besides I felt good about most things, there are some technical problems but they are minor, so that only a very critical audience will be able to notice (but still we are trying to work on them). Still some minor changes that have to be tried. I am happy that we were so strict with each other, because it was worth it...This morning I had self-made cafe latte, one of my favorite addictions. I have to make my costume today and one of these days I also have to start drawing because the art fairs are coming and a couple of galleries requested new material. It is good to be forced to do something like that, the first five I usually have to work over again or throw away but once I start it is so refreshing to do something truly manual, sensible, tangible. Besides all these organizational tasks that I have to do it is the most inspiring to sit at the studio for a couple of days, to have enough food there in the refrigerator, to not see my boyfriend, to not pick up the phone, having my little PowerBook over and write and draw and think and dream. I get up very early and while my eyes are still burning after a three or four hour sleep I immediately start in my thoughts far away from everybody. Sometimes I would like someone to manage me, to take care of all the stuff that blocks creativity and I think I would be able to work like that as well. I don't enjoy organizing things. I am for example responsible for the decoration of the stage and I enjoy that. making flower bouquets out of artificial flowers and plastic, making wax things choosing candelabras changing things around and looking at them, dying them spraying them with different colors. I can forget time over things like that. Once I have to call around and try to organize things I get very frustrated and feel overworked after a short time.