Berlin, December 28, 1995

Waking up with him was really nice, although I got up early. After I had cleaned all the dishes that piled up in the kitchen sink I started to take a shower, shave, cut my hair, toe and fingernails and used around 3 hours of my time in the bathroom to get to be one of these fashionable nineties girls, really clean and attractive.:-) I realized that I haven't done this since March 95. There was jut never enough time.

At the theater then I had this big fight with Becklebeck. His stories start to annoy me. On stage as well as in private. On stage this is good because I have to be furious. There is just no trust in reality as well. Yesterday he missed an afternoon appointment because of one of his girls. He arrived 4 hours late at the theater, so I took him aside and talked to him. He excused himself by telling me that he had to work longer suddenly there were so many people, which wasn't true because I had called the place, he had never showed up there either. I felt ridiculous, I laughed and said it is not my business to control his excuses but accidentally I called at the cafe. The tailor was at the theater and waited for him an hour because we all thought he should come in any minute. (It is not, that I cannot understand that feelings drive you away sometimes, and I also know that the world usually doesn't accept excuses like: I just had to make love. (the combination between the two words making and love has always fascinated me. Making which is a word that stands more for a task that creates something tangible, a word that sounds more like manufacturing, earning gets combined with the abstract word love, something that is not really tangible and that is so dependent from its definition that everybody has to develop for him or herself. Making love though everybody knows what your talking about. You might ask yourself how they do it but the possibilities are within a frame. Love is frameless and can take place beyond our imagination.) It is honestly really not like this, that I cannot understand that feelings drive you away sometimes, and I also know and understand that the world usually forces you to lie and doesn't accept excuses like: I just had to make love. Not to loose your job through this is something that can only be imagined in Europe anyway because people in general expect you not so much to work and function like machines here, but there are usually too many people that are good and in order to be better you unfortunately have to be reliable as well. Often people have even more of an understanding for a machine that crashes than if the person collapses. I always think there is a ten percent gift, this is necessary to get a start and then the rest is work as soon as you use your gift in your profession. Even someone like Maria Callas who had this godlike unreached voice worked very hard and practiced for 9 to 10 hours per day. Lets say 10 per cent gift, 10 per cent believe in your gift and 80 per cent work. I like people that still act like human beings and have knockouts some times or miss things but here it seems almost to be the case that unreliability is the only rule you can rely upon. I also feel that a gift becomes a profession as soon as you have the technique to get over creative crisis. Of course the idea is most important in the beginning and without the idea you can't work but there is so much other work that is needed as well and you have to practice even to think and write every day. Once you take your ingenious depression as an excuse for not being able to function it is so difficult to get started again).

In the end at least the choreography happened to be perfect (maybe because I was annoyed enough) and the dancing of it went well. During the Christmas holidays we've been working on the second choreography for the first dance and we showed it to the director yesterday for the first time. It turned out to be really nice. He was thrilled and found it breathtaking. So this gave us despite our fight a lot of self-confidence. Now we are more secure in our roles and I am sort of proud, it seemed completely impossible to create and learn the choreography for two three minute dances in five days, so that it looks professionally danced. Now we've another three days for rehearsals until the premier. It should be doable. At midnight I was fighting again with Becklebeck. And I started my 30th birthday with rehearsals until 1:00 am.