Berlin, December 23, 1995

Yesterday was the first time our director was satisfied with the dance and our performance. He feels now that we know our roles much better, and he criticized only little details. That was much more satisfying. I am just really afraid that A., my partner, is getting sick as well, not only would it be easy to catch the virus from me but also is he working too much and sleeping not or very little, plus is he sexually very active since he has again a new flirt which might effect unduly his concentration, energy level and resistance to disease. I fell twice yesterday because he couldn't hold me in a scene and or I couldn't hold myself. The first part of our choreography is rather acrobatic and therefore difficult because half of the time I am in the air and high speed, while my head is heavy as hell and my limbs are sore from the fever. I am thinking whether it would be better to stay home and not rehearsal at all, but then one says: if you don't dance for a day you'll notice it, after two days your colleagues notice it and after three days the audience notices it. And I need those rehearsals in order to get familiar and secure with the choreography that we finalized just yesterday. I have no difficulties to remember steps, but to fill the steps and movements with life, with content and soul is hard when your not so familiar with the choreography and music and you're still thinking were you have to go.

Today I'll buy fabric to make my costume. I thought it over and I think she should be wearing ivory, thin lines of black and little gold. It will be good for me to work on the costume and to get to know this person better. She is really mighty, which is why she can get so furious about Beckliback, not only is he humiliating and embarrassing her, but also is he touching her in a way that touches her. In the next scene again he is flirting with someone else and in the next scene he disappears with Babsi, a cheap girl in a red lacquer jacket that is so short that you can see her slip. Everybody is sort of making fun of my character without a name which she takes completely humorless. It's really not her evening in a way and in the end she hooks up with Leo which is a completely desperate act, hoping she could evoke some jalousie in Beckliback. He is completely unimpressed and when my character, who's name I still don't know, is finally asking him to dance a last time, he gets up but is completely uninterested and without tension. Like this she finally gets completely angry and spills a glass of wine over his crotch. Then she is leaving with Leo in order to not have to go alone. Leo would fit to her the way he dresses and acts but he would bore her in two minutes. In a way she leaves in doubled solitude.

Have to run...