Berlin, December 22, 1995

I went to bed at two and was able to get up washed and to get to write by 8.30 am, which means that I finally must be over my jet lag. I felt his skin as he was completely naked next to me which was very exciting. Maybe spooning with him feels like home. This set up in the early morning feels kind of nice. There is a little bit of sunlight coming in as a reflection in the window across the street, yellowish orange morning light is coloring the roof and the reddish building visa vis. The desk here is pretty clean, a couple of audio tapes and papers laying around, the phone, glue, a screwdriver, tape and computer equipment, a book on chess and cookies from my mom. This is not my room but he is still in bed so I am using his before I will be leaving to go my studio soon. Before I'll help at the theater to get the set design done. I was dreaming the whole night about it and woke up completely energized by doing this task over and over again. Painting everything dark, making everything clean by making it dark. The set is kind of rose, black and dark brown, very reddish rosy, I personally hate this color but it looks good as a stage. I will be making the flower arrangements, pretty crazy plastic. My brain is exhausted and my head feels thick. I am looking forward to Christmas, at least it will be a holiday, but the fact that I wasn't even able to send anything to anybody, is annoying. But I just can't go somewhere and buy something neither do I want to design a fax to send it to friends...I am sick and probably sick of this whole production that is filling my days and nights with nightmares. I have such difficulties with my role. Getting to know this person that I am playing makes me feel depressed, because she is so mean. Working with A. is distressing, because he took other jobs to earn money as well as he is teaching musical and there is almost never a day when he is completely in time for the rehearsals. Yesterday he was half an hour late and until everything was prepared it took so long that we could rehearse to short. It is ridiculous, it is 9 days until the premier and we are still changing the choreography and parts of our roles. I never played in my costume yet and don't have one yet either. Which is not a big problem for me because I never rehearse in the costume until I am completely aware of my role and what I am trying to say with my body language or mind. A costume helps and might cover mistakes but it doesn't define the role when I don't know who I am playing. Since the whole cast is sick I finally managed to get a cold too. I got sinusitis and try to be nice to myself but it's difficult when you don't really have time. It is hard to always work until 12 with the whole group of seventeen people. I don't really get to myself.

I am trying think about her name, about this role that I am playing, what would she do and what could she never do. She is this woman, who doesn't have very much humor, especially when it comes to somebody making her ridiculous. She takes herself very serious while the others she uses like pawns and plays with them. She steps into the room and it is clear that this is going to be a weird evening, she doesn't fit into this whole dance event. She is extravagant and lost in her dreams. A little lost in herself and her presentation to the public. Everybody is an audience for her and the tragic develops as she is continuing to present herself to the wrong people. Wrong because they cannot appreciate, but if people appreciate she finds it boring. Her whole movements are more like: I don't need to see, I watch that I don't look, but one needs to see me. She is so out of it, that she seems to live not only somewhere else but also in a different time. This is why she feels like a stranger everywhere, because the time is wrong, not only the place. She is so used to admiration that she despises it but she needs it as well. It's like a drug and she hates to be addicted to it. Every true affection is boring to her. She needs distance but she hates to be refused.

The way Jean Luc (A.) touches her and dances with her, which is almost brutal and very fleshy makes her feel alive, she needs to suffer in order to feel. Harmony is boring and doesn't make her feel. The highest affection that she can show is hatred. Because she feels that she can get most men, she punishes them with despise and hatred as soon as she feels she got what she wanted. Jean Luc and that's why he is able to evoke a true passion in her, plays the same game. He though, a lot younger doesn't hate women, he just takes what he gets. He is for some reason getting them all. She love-hates him. Shit, I have to go to my next rehearsal, getting my portion of frustration again....