Home? in Berlin, December 13, 1995

It is 1:27 pm and I am working again at the computer writing. Today I took it easy and it felt really good. Now I am writing on the German gray keyboard of the main station just got the program from the gigabyte and hate to always mix up z and y keys. She is waiting for some information. In one hour she will be getting up and look at her empty fax machine not having any roled piece of paper waiting for her being spit out electronically of her machine. So I write at least to the one that will be waiting in two hours to get what she wants. Yesterday I was on my way from Hamburg to here and now back again, nobody is changing the sheets for me every day, nobody is making me brakfast, nobody is going shopping... everything myself and it takes time as I am a bad housewife. This morning i didn't even want to get up because I wanted to sleep and there was no breakfast waiting for me. I had two appointements and I didn't even cancel them I just thought I should and then thought... I am tired and turned around again. Then finally I woke up at 10:10 am completely shocked about my body and brain cheating me like that and ran into the phonecall. It was the secretary of my meeting asking me if I am still considering to hold on to my appointement. I said, I must be sick, because that is the way for my body to express, that my little motor in my engine isn't working properly and that if I don't want my body to be a machine and to collapse completely, I just should stop for a while and cancel. I think she didn't understand but what the hell, she gave me a new appointement. This afternoon though (I cancelled everything else in order to be able to sleep until 12:30 am) at 5:00 p.m I will have to get my engine started.

He is sick too and as he is almost in a delirium constantly haluzinating I am a little jalous because he has a reason to stay in bed. I have to think I have a reason, so I have to be sick in my mind which doesn't count in this society but this is how my body works. I treat him as if he was sick. I take a bath, I sleep 12 and 14 hours, I take echinacea, but i am not really sick. And my body thinks oh great, I wanted to get sick but she got it already anyway so there is no need to get sick anymore and then he starts working again. He's nicely naive as long as I understand his SOS signs and signals he is willing to continue. ...