Hamburg, Hotel Berlin, December 8, 1995

Without even realizing it is 12.30 AM. I am looking over Hamburg and had three oranges. I was reading an elder letter, that I have written a couple of weeks ago, when I felt really lucky to relax. Now I feel lucky to prepare a performance installation, an ad-dress growing out of this inspiring time like a leaf, that collected some sun: What is happiness if more than a moment of instant pleasure, a moment of luck and a deep breath of warm sun...Ask me if I am happy and if I am not thinking twice about it, if I would define happiness simply as a good mood, then I would have to say yes. I feel indeed very lucky to be able to take off for some time and still not drop the ball or loose the game. It is though here the most beautiful station that I've made and I think it's because I feel just nature. I've gotten calm enough to enjoy stones, trees, shadows, the sun the tars at night and the moon. I am cooking every day for B. (two meals a day and coffee in-between. I am getting to write at least for three or four hours a day and feel good about it. going over the text and change it and I feel as I am breathing deep, very inspired. All I have to hear all day long is the clicking of my typewriter, the spinning of my harddrive, birds, leaves moving in the wind...sometimes an airplane cuts invisibly through the horizon like a soft thunder somewhere in another world far from here, where the human beings live. Even the birds sound nicer out here, sort of tranquilized by nature. There is a bumble bee looking after me from time to time, maybe she is hoping I would convert into a lily at some point. I don't know what she thinks. then there is this little cricket that milk is trying to catch from time to time. She is such a stupid cat, instead of trying to chase what she can eat she is just chasing crickets and of course she never gets it cause crickets are smaller and they always are too fast anyway. Maybe milk is like me. Yesterday the lake was so calm that it reflected all the mountains around it, the mirror of reflected the sky and it was just the same blue with a frame of mountains and green around it. it seemed so supernatural all together. Happiness, I don't know, maybe . I am enjoying this here very much and I completely relax. if I wouldn't expect more from life I would be happy..maybe happiness is the extension of the moment when Sisyphus is on top of the hill, in-between what he knows will come next and had happened before. Maybe I am a mixture of milk trying to catch crickets and Sisyphus rolling the stone. maybe I am an old green copper cup remembering my old golden times when everyone would caress me with cotton. Ola...I fell asleep in the sun watching the tree against the blue sky, I don't know why everything feels so roomy so spacy so different. Tonight I went for a walk with B. and the sky is like a lid on this valley over and over filled with stars...