Berlin on December 2, 1995

For some reason this is the place were I could imagine reading the newspaper every day. Maybe because you are so cut off from the world here that you want to compare your island of peace and solitude with the things the rest of the world has to deal with, and finally realize that the things that you currently deal with here are not so bad at all to have to deal with. Maybe you want to know also when your peace will be finally disturbed through a bunch of crazy people that think they have to run another conflict or carry out the conflict with nothing less crazy than a war. Here you only think of the worst that can happen, cause everything seems superlative and your insights get out of proportion pretty easily. Immediately once you got some time to breath and like this some time for inspiration and think the news about the world feel interesting like a piece of fiction, your so out of it that you feel you need to stay in touch. I've heard of some people that travel thousands of miles just to read their home-newspaper. I wonder whether my perception towards nature has changed but nature feels so intimidating recently. When my mother stopped every fifteen minutes at a different kind of leave or to hear a bird or to show me a mushroom, my brother said don't worry she is getting just a little old. Am I getting old myself? More and more everything feels like the last five minutes of my life and more and more I feel I have to enjoy them before having gone into another stage of worm crawling below the grass having to find a place in the bushes, having to spin myself into another cocoon in order to brake out and be a new butterfly unquietly moving from flower to flower. Mankind .....seems to not be afraid of it so much either. Seeing things everyday makes it impossible to discover them everyday maybe. For some reason I believe that it's hard to appreciate what you know deeply and what you've grown up with and never had to miss. Is it really necessary to leave what you know by heart in order to love it even more. Sometimes distance seems to determine the depth of a relationship enormously. If the expectations about seeing one another are not too high one even seems to manage without fighting to be together for a while. It is though a strange feeling to be always dependent on outer reasons to get together. There are the times when you have to be separate, and this is a higher force that puts you into the position although it is a free decision from my side to be traveling so much in order to make a living. On the other hand it is probably something that I relaxed can call destiny, I seem to have grown up under a traveling star and it is my naturally defined part to move on, over, ahead, around. My desire to slow down the process and speed of moving through writing it down, embroidering my experiences into my dresses, and to have this continuos same a-d-dress and same clothing in the everything absorbing and most constant color black is strange but it feels like the only orientation for my mind which is constantly spinning like a machine trying to do the impossible, to spin gold. Rumpelstilzchen is not helping me and so I am caught to proof the miller's promise. Yet I couldn't find out his name and so I am bound to spin for internal freedom. I have to run to work, an interview tomorrow, deinstallation today and a rehearsal...uff what a drag to have to work without having arrived yet.