Winnipeg on December 1, 1995

It might get pretty hard soon to write all the time in English. As I trespassed the German border in Munich this morning and the people in Winnipeg are still enjoying their good night sleep, I am above the clouds looking down at a sunny white wall of clouds and moving towards Berlin while every body is speaking an indefinite English with a light or strong German accent to me. I guess logically my German could be better than their English but what the hell, maybe some kind of self protection to not have to switch to fast, made me stick the Chicago tribune under my arm...so I gave myself a chance to take time to load the other program and start with German tomorrow. I don't have a big problem switching around, just it is difficult sometimes to get the German brain going while the English speaking part and soul hasn't arrived yet. Airplanes are much to fast. It is just the daily conversation that is difficult. You say sorry because you think sorry and excuse me because you think excuse me and not Verzeihung or Entschuldigung oder darf ich bitte mal durch , könnten Sie bitte aus dem Weg gehen...I don't know. Once I will have the first German thought everything will be again different, but my brain is slow now and my body tired. Even now that I am writing I can't write without typos. What do I want to drink? nothing I guess or just water. I feel a bit nauseous. she asked me if I wanted cream and sugar. I am trying to remember what she said or what I said. I am thinking ice-cream? I think I didn't say coffee but maybe she thought I'd say coffee, because I might have looked as if I needed one or thought coffee or she could guess that I am American and would have wanted coffee because the US is a coffee culture and the regular coffee tastes like in the airplane...maybe she understood coffee from someone else...Oh good, its not me that she is talking to, I still have my turn for water. and it worked: I thought water but said Wasser, bitte. I was shocked suddenly my control panel switched into German. She asks me whether I wanted it with bubbles or without. What the hell are bubbles. I must have looked at her pretty scared. She asks me are you OK. I am so shocked, I said Wasser! why is she speaking English with me. Did I think Wasser and said water. Or was it that I thought water and said Wasser with an American accent because I thought water. Did she just want to show me that she is able to communicate with me in another languages. Or does she have one of these blocked systems too. Did she just arrive from Chicago as well. I say "whatever". She remains friendly and repeats: Did you want to have water with or without oxygen. I think oxygen and realize that I have a lack of air here. I realize that this is too much of a decision and tell her in German. she is pretty angry now which I didn't want and she puts a Selter down. I already see the clouds above Berlin. At least I think we could slowly be above Berlin. I keep saving this document constantly as if writing keeps me alive and not loosing my brain, some kind of security human beings need it. I keep saving every second sentence sort of almost to rescue what I think. it is so frightening when you feel your really kind of out of control over this whole system here and everything in your head feels a little jammed. writing becomes almost like a training to not loose the connections between yourself and myself. Torn between the two languages is just a symptom and not a decease. the plane is shaking and I was right when I saw the clouds over Berlin. We are slowly going down "sank you" is the Genglish (german+english) Dankeschön, that the captain said. he says "sank you" while we are thinking and sinking. And if I said thinking with a German accent I would be sinking and that is maybe not so far away from each other at the moment. Have a nice day he says, and again Sank you...